I’ve missed blogging. Although I often worry I’m coming across as overly preachy about mental health issues, I’ve missed the cathartic relief that getting all of my emotions down on paper gives me. It feels like untangling a ball of wool, or the thirteen necklaces I throw in the same jewellery box.
I haven’t logged into my blog for three months, and have just read my latest blog piece. In this piece I discuss why writing has been difficult for me, during a bad downturn in my mental health. I was struggling with anxiety on levels I had only experienced once before, and the only way I got over that was to move away from that city. I was struggling with my relationships with other people- as friendships became hard to navigate with BPD flare ups. I was just generally struggling with everything, and it took a lot to admit this to myself.
However, what has been even harder is admitting I’m still in the depths of it. I have moved city for a new placement rotation. I’m finding each day very difficult, as my emotions are so overwhelming and intense, it feels like day two or three after many of the catalysts that brought across this difficult time. In some cases, these have been almost two years ago. The emotions are now manifesting themselves physically, and I’m constantly exhausted and in pain.
I’m really frustrated about this, and often embarrassed and ashamed. I don’t want to be stuck behind this wall after the Pandora’s Box of my issues, conflicts and traumas was accidentally opened just under two years ago. I used to attend therapy, but private therapy is expensive, and NHS therapy has long waiting times, of which has to be reset each time I move for a new placement. I finally got to the top of a four month waiting period for tailored PTSD support, and then had to move again.
I have been struggling to find my feet in my new city. My exhaustion leaves little energy for socialising after work, and my anxiety makes meeting new people quite difficult. I am happy to do things alone, but I worry I’m now relying on that ability too much. I hope to find some fun activities to do to help me to meet new people in the coming months.
It is a frustrating place to be, stuck in a draining, difficult place when objectively I am in the best circumstances I’ve been in- with a challenging yet rewarding job, new flat which is a secure roof over my head. There seems to be something which is almost blocking my ability to move forward and get better, and my current behaviours of trying to back away from friendships and support isn’t really helping in the long run.
My mum is coming to visit next week, so I’m very excited for a relaxing week. I have taken the majority of the week off, to rest and explore my new city, and have booked an afternoon tea and Greek lunch for us over the week. I’m planning on conducting a tour of Glasgow through our stomachs and could not be more thrilled.
I am also planning on trying to find some talking therapy, which I feel could help me untangle the ball of wool further. And in the meantime, will try and enjoy this autumnal weather with homemade fruit crumbles, hot chocolate, movies and blankets.